Save the Breasts, Save the People, and Why I Run.

Apologies.  I didn't update last week for a number of reasons, but mainly because I didn't feel I had anything vitally important to say.

Today, however, I do have something exciting to report: I did my first 5K run.  It was the CIBC Run for the Cure, a run whose proceeds go towards the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation.  A number of my friends signed up for it, so some of us met in the morning before the race.  We were excited to be there.  The gloomy sky and the spitting rain didn't deter us.

The race was not timed, so I brought my phone in lieu of a proper stopwatch.  The run started at Queen's Park, went down Queen's Park/University, looped back up to Bloor, then back down St. George till College, where we ran eastward until the entrance to King's Circle, where the finish line lay.

I made sure to start at a brisk pace, because unlike the 10k, I didn't have to conserve my energy for later.  I could feel I was pushing it faster than usual, but I felt good.  Just past the 3K (I think) mark, there was a water station, so I grabbed a cup.  I took a little sip and then aimed my cup at a garbage bag a man was holding for empty cups.  I threw it in, but I think I got some on him, so I turned around to yell that I was sorry.  While not looking forward, I ran right into another man who was handing out water.  I swerved out of his way.... right into a garbage can.  It almost fell, so I steadied it quickly, as I yelled out more apologies and continued on my way.  The episode was absolutely ridiculous, and it unsettled me, my heart speeding from guilt, embarrassment, and residual fear.

Despite this hiccup, I finished the run at 27:46.  That's a 5:33 min/km, faster (as planned) than my previous 10K pace (5:51 min/km.)!  In a previous entry, I wrote that 25 minutes was my goal, but that I would be happy not reaching it this time around.  Indeed, I'm absolutely happy with my time!  I'm very proud that I ran strong, and I'm confident that I will improve next time.

Something that also really struck me today was that I was running for something very near and dear to many people's hearts, and something that, honestly, is a threat to me and all of my friends and family.  Breast Cancer is a looming shadow over the shoulders of many women, a number of them younger than I am.  Today I heard a statistic that 1 in 9 Canadian women is expected to, at some point in their lives, be stricken with breast cancer.  1 in 9?!  That's terrible.  So today I ran for the people that cannot run themselves.  I ran for my future, my friends' futures, my family members' futures.  I ran to promote healthy living, something that has so many healing properties, both physical and mental.  I ran to show that there are people supporting you when you feel hope is lost in the face of an indiscriminate genetic sentence.

A Victory

I ran the Longboat Toronto Island 10K today!  It was a beautiful day for a run - sunny, a bit cooler at about 20 degrees, and not too windy.  Esther and I participated in this one, with Josh, Esther's husband, watching from the sidelines.

We started off near the front.  Esther is a little speed demon, so she set a pace, and I tried to keep up with her for as long as I could.  I lost sight of her sometime before the 4km mark.  It was a sad moment, but it also meant that till then I was going at a faster pace than usual.  The course was very flat, and it was a mix of pavement, grass, and boardwalk.

This time, my faster pace at the beginning had my body screaming for relief until 5km.  Up until 5, I was thinking "What have I gotten myself into?!  I haven't trained properly for this!!  I haven't gone for a run in ages!  I should just stop and take a breather!"

But so many things came to my mind and made me continue.  I thought of my gym classes, I thought of my instructors encouraging me to keep going, I thought of Marie doing pushups on her toes and egging me on to get off my knees and follow her, and heck, I even thought of having to post a FB status update about the race.

Just after I passed the 5km mark (which was actually the start line that we'd looped back to), the pain and hesitation left my body.  Everything normalised, and I realised that I was now more than halfway done and that it was totally possible to keep going.

So I kept going and going and going.  The last 2 kilometres were along the boardwalk.  The sailboats on the water were a beautiful sight to behold, but I found it easiest to look down at the ground so that a) I wouldn't get distracted by the pretty view, and b) I wouldn't get discouraged by what was up ahead (almost 2 kilometres of just boardwalk).

Once I got back up on the pavement, I could see the finish line.  Oh, the sprint that I did.  Oh, that sprint.  I ran so hard and so fast for the last few hundred metres that I almost made myself sick.  Felt damned good.

I picked up my medal with glee and went off to find Esther and Josh for the BBQ that was being held.  Veggie burger, apple, apple juice, Cliff Builders bars… It was a feast well earned.

My time?

Drumroll…

58:32!!

A triumphant 5:51 min./km.  The time I was aiming to beat was from my May 10K, a time of 1:02:37.  I blasted it!  I shaved 4 minutes and 5 seconds off of my time, and I came in at under an hour, which was my goal last run.  Right when I finished the race, I was pretty sure I'd come in under an hour, so I was in a good mood, but when I confirmed it online when I got home, I daaaaaanced.  I boogied in delight.  Woo!

I feel reinvigorated and energised.  This is going to be a good week since I'm so inspired.  I plan to hit the gym at least 4 times, which I hope will begin to propel me to some new level of fitness.  I'm also going to make sure I go for runs more often, if anything to toughen my feet up (I got a few blisters this morning).

And you know what?  It's time to sit and think about a new running goal.  How exciting is that?!

Revolution

Rarely do those days come when I have a pure moment of clarity.

This week was a particularly stressful one.  There was no single disastrous event that made it so.  It was a culmination of frustration with my work and my personal life.  On Wednesday, after something that could be aptly titled "A Complete Freakout Over Nothing" (read: I couldn't find my water bottle), I met with Marie and did a high-energy cardio workout.  It gave me an outlet for my angry energy and returned my blood pressure to normal.  It left me smiling, when an hour before I'd been raging about work, respect, and my inability to function as a human being.

My moment of clarity, however, came today.  Through chance, I met a career counsellor at my work place last week.  I set up an appointment to meet with him to discuss what I'm doing with my life.  Our meeting was today, and let me tell you: he knew me before I even opened my mouth.  We had chatted a few times at my work place, but they were brief chats.  When I went in today for our one-on-one meeting, he started telling me things about myself that were completely true.  He knew exactly how I felt, and he reassured me that I was going to soar.  He said so many things, and I don't want to share all of them here, but they affected me so deeply that I can't stop thinking about them.  He told me that my energy and my emotions - boundless amounts of both, as strangers often tell me - are tools that can be harnessed.

That hour was the hour that I started to really reflect on what kind of person I've become.

It was the hour I stopped believing that I would do nothing meaningful with my life.

It was the hour I stopped believing I was worthless.

I know it sounds dark and depressing.  I'm sure many of my friends would say, "No, Elisa, you're not worthless!  How could you say that?"  But in all honesty, as positive and cheerful as I am, there has been a part of me in more recent times that has questioned what I am doing.  I ask myself if I could ever accomplish anything else with my life.  Did I reach my peak already with the wonderful things I accomplished as a teenager and young adult?  Am I resigned in my adulthood to boring, unproductive work?

No.  No no no no no.  I am bigger than that.  And I know it!  I've always known it.  I just forgot my way and needed to be reminded.  I now have goals to meet in the next few weeks.  I was given some tasks, and upon completing them, I will have a follow-up meeting.  I have seized the bull by the horns and will not let go until we've both done some backflips.

This journal is seemingly only concerned with physical exercise, but hidden between the lines is the fitness of the mind.  It is just as important a component to being a healthy individual as the physical.  Today, my self confidence received a long-needed boost.  The last time I felt such a sense of intellectual accomplishment was when I finished my Master's.  What a wonderful day that was when I handed in my final paper to be bound.  As I expressed in my first post here, my 10K also filled me with a deep sense of accomplishment for the physical feats I had overcome.  I think that moment was just the beginning.  There's been something brewing in me since then, and I'm starting to figure out just how big it is, and most importantly, what it is!

So, in conclusion, this week was full of activity and new things.  I participated for the first time in CXWorx at the gym (today), which I'd been looking forward to for weeks.  It was different from what I expected, but it was certainly a good surprise.  I stressed out about work and my life, but then it all turned out to be okay.  I got an intense pep talk, and suddenly my life was shaken up.  I was reinvigorated.  I am on a journey!!

The highs are going to be amazing, and the lows are going to be rougher than ever, but at least I'm going somewhere.