Revolution

Rarely do those days come when I have a pure moment of clarity.

This week was a particularly stressful one.  There was no single disastrous event that made it so.  It was a culmination of frustration with my work and my personal life.  On Wednesday, after something that could be aptly titled "A Complete Freakout Over Nothing" (read: I couldn't find my water bottle), I met with Marie and did a high-energy cardio workout.  It gave me an outlet for my angry energy and returned my blood pressure to normal.  It left me smiling, when an hour before I'd been raging about work, respect, and my inability to function as a human being.

My moment of clarity, however, came today.  Through chance, I met a career counsellor at my work place last week.  I set up an appointment to meet with him to discuss what I'm doing with my life.  Our meeting was today, and let me tell you: he knew me before I even opened my mouth.  We had chatted a few times at my work place, but they were brief chats.  When I went in today for our one-on-one meeting, he started telling me things about myself that were completely true.  He knew exactly how I felt, and he reassured me that I was going to soar.  He said so many things, and I don't want to share all of them here, but they affected me so deeply that I can't stop thinking about them.  He told me that my energy and my emotions - boundless amounts of both, as strangers often tell me - are tools that can be harnessed.

That hour was the hour that I started to really reflect on what kind of person I've become.

It was the hour I stopped believing that I would do nothing meaningful with my life.

It was the hour I stopped believing I was worthless.

I know it sounds dark and depressing.  I'm sure many of my friends would say, "No, Elisa, you're not worthless!  How could you say that?"  But in all honesty, as positive and cheerful as I am, there has been a part of me in more recent times that has questioned what I am doing.  I ask myself if I could ever accomplish anything else with my life.  Did I reach my peak already with the wonderful things I accomplished as a teenager and young adult?  Am I resigned in my adulthood to boring, unproductive work?

No.  No no no no no.  I am bigger than that.  And I know it!  I've always known it.  I just forgot my way and needed to be reminded.  I now have goals to meet in the next few weeks.  I was given some tasks, and upon completing them, I will have a follow-up meeting.  I have seized the bull by the horns and will not let go until we've both done some backflips.

This journal is seemingly only concerned with physical exercise, but hidden between the lines is the fitness of the mind.  It is just as important a component to being a healthy individual as the physical.  Today, my self confidence received a long-needed boost.  The last time I felt such a sense of intellectual accomplishment was when I finished my Master's.  What a wonderful day that was when I handed in my final paper to be bound.  As I expressed in my first post here, my 10K also filled me with a deep sense of accomplishment for the physical feats I had overcome.  I think that moment was just the beginning.  There's been something brewing in me since then, and I'm starting to figure out just how big it is, and most importantly, what it is!

So, in conclusion, this week was full of activity and new things.  I participated for the first time in CXWorx at the gym (today), which I'd been looking forward to for weeks.  It was different from what I expected, but it was certainly a good surprise.  I stressed out about work and my life, but then it all turned out to be okay.  I got an intense pep talk, and suddenly my life was shaken up.  I was reinvigorated.  I am on a journey!!

The highs are going to be amazing, and the lows are going to be rougher than ever, but at least I'm going somewhere.